Adulting came with everything except a manual. It came with bills, hormonal acne, responsibilities, debt, love, heartbreak, and a shit load of expectations. It’s even tougher when you’re preceived to be little miss perfect and everyone thinks you have it all together all the time and nothing is hard for you.
Right now, I don’t think I’m surviving this portion of my 20’s so well. I honestly feel like I’m living with what I like to call “functional depression.” And yes, I’m self-diagnosing and no, that’s not right, but whatever.
These days I just can’t seem to find my “happy.” I’m constantly doubting and second guessing myself, I’m disatisfied with everything I have going on, and I feel like I’m losing control of everything around me no matter how hard I try to keep it together.
There is so much change occuring in your 20’s that sometimes it’s hard to keep up….even with your goddamn self! It’s like you’re not grown grown, but you got a lot of grown shit going on and sometimes you just need it all to STOP!
The pressures of everyday life, wanting to be successful, and trying to keep up with the ridiculous social standards imposed on us day after day can be a heavy load to bear and sometimes you just get tired of trying to keep up with all of it.
On top of all that, it’s hard to find the right people to talk to because people older than you don’t quite understand some of your “millennial” issues or they have an annoying way of minimizing everything and comparing it to “back in their day,” you can’t go to your friends because they’re going through the same shit so they don’t know what to do either, and then you just generally don’t want to feel like a bother or want people to feel sorry for you, so you don’t say anything and just feel lost, alone, and sometimes helpless.
So that’exactly what I do: I say nothing and end up stuck with my thoughts constantly racing through my mind with no one to tell and no solution in sight…leading me right here to the functional depression.
I call it “functional” because I have a great way of making things look very good on the outside and being able to make it through the day, but on the inside and behind closed doors, I’m a mess; I’m not telling anyone what’s truly going on, I’m liable to break down crying at any moment, and I’m just not truly fulfilled or happy.
Side note: I am very aware that this isn’t good but it’s my truth right now and I’m talking about it because this is MY safe space, I’m tired of holding it in, and I know there are other people out there dealing with this same issue that need to know that they are not alone.
I know that I have a lot of work to do on myself and I feel like this is the perfect time for me to begin; The season is changing and my birthday is coming up. Both of these events are dedicated to rebirth and I am using their arrival as signs to begin this work on myself. I don’t know exactly what to do or where to begin, but I do know that the first thing that kept coming to mind was to get on here and write.
Writing has always been my outlet and true passion and sometimes hitting a low point is all you need to take you back to that.
xo, Mya Angelic